Questions: What is it like to kiss an actor while you’re married/in a long term relationship?
Short Answers: Quora and a distilled version
I wanted to chime in with details since I made the leap from civilian to thespian in the past two years, mainly stage. Also, I’ve been with my spouse for 10 years (7 cohabitation / 3 married). We’re still married while I let my inner kid play on stage.
A bit of background: by day I am very reserved. I work in games, I code and I am extremely introverted, weird and shy. Not awkward, but I don’t talk unless spoken to, and/or, I find it relevant. I’ve been told that I have an epic ‘resting bitch face’ so…thanks…? People are not really my thing for long spans of time.
Why Acting?: As you can tell from my profile, I have multiple businesses that need a front man and I don’t have the cash to hire a marketing guru. So I did what everyone else does: I Googled public speaking and all the articles pointed to taking acting classes to improve confidence, grace and speaking skills. So since large crowds terrify me, I thought this was the answer. I also read an AMA from Fred Stovernick about technical people should do more acting to reacquaint themselves with their artistic endeavors.
Realizing I was lacking in the social department, I joined an acting studio near my house. What I didn’t realize is that I enrolled in a studio that was taught by a former student of Sandy Meisner / Robert X. Modica, old school NY Playhouse Adler/Stanislavsky ilk. There was no way I was going to get some lightweight, feel good, squishy acting lessons for a few weeks. Nope. For two years, I was forced to uncomfortably vulnerable, to emotionally train to exhaustion and then the sacred day came. My teacher quietly nodded, told me to go find acting work and kicked me out like the fledgling acting bird I was. I beat the pavement, found a gig, was cast in a fringe version of Hamlet and had the conundrum of kissing a complete stranger who was 20 years older, also married PLUS graced his mug in multiple movies, television shows and plays both US and UK side. Needless to say, I was terrified.
Making Out On Stage Prep: My director was frank: our characters were to kiss multiple times during the production and it had to be believable. Not ‘tongue believable’, but passionate enough that there was obvious attraction and ‘sizzle’. We were both uncomfortable at first for obvious reasons: Marriage status, major personality differences (He is an extrovert, I am an introvert) and…
Let’s not forget the ever-present social elephant in the room: Race.
If anyone says that this isn’t important when acting, they are: a) lying to you or b) never had to deal with it. I never kissed an older white gentleman [Yes, I’ve tasted/dated the rainbow, but older men have experience…lots of it]. I’m sure he probably thought: ‘Well shit, this black girl is young enough to be my daughter and she looks like she’s going to eat me alive.’
I certainly felt insecure; why lie about it? I am a Black American woman (big hips, tiny waist, broad nose and big lips). I am not Zoe Saldana. I am not Rashida Jones. I’m nowhere near the socially acceptable stupidity that biracial men and women go through. Could my partner be into me enough? I’m into me, but no one wants to be a politically correct experiment. This man probably lived through Thatcher and the Notting Hill Riots. But society’s prudish mores should never weigh in on art’s intensity, and I promised myself that if I had a chance to perform Shakespeare, I would give it my all. Donald Glover said: ‘If you’re nervous, you’re doing it right’. Since we were some of the more seasoned thespians, we were left to our own devices on how to make it work. I asked if he was comfortable and how far should I go. He said he was down for anything. Lots of deep breaths were involved. We kissed multiple times to get the impromptu awkwardness out of our systems and then we got to work.
Making Out and What It’s Like:
– It’s easier if you find your acting partner attractive. I was lucky that my kissing partner was what every red blooded American woman fantasizes about: Handsome. Fit. Silver Fox. British Accent. *score*
He was an excellent kisser, but I’ve dated British men before and they all know how to kiss. WTF is up with that? Is there something in the water? Maybe they get that education in grade school. I know I am lucky; some actors don’t crit on their first major role.
– The first couple of kisses are amazing if your partner is into it, meaning they want to be there, they think you’re cool and they want the show to be as awesome. There will be butterflies, awkwardness, curiosity and even flirting, but that doesn’t last.
– In distant memory, I recall being moved by an interview with legendary porn star Ron Jeremy. When asked if he would be angry if he caught his significant other having sex with someone else, he flat out said no. Sex wouldn’t be the issue, but if the significant other and their paramour were taking moonlit walks down the beach, holding hands, having a picnic and laughing, that’s when he would have the problem.
– I’ve learned a great deal about intimacy through this theatrical experience. Intimacy isn’t instant infatuation nor is it just physical release. Long term intimacy is mental, physical and emotional; the trifecta isn’t negotiable. If one of the three is missing , if there isn’t any further personal investment (coffee, dinner, drinks, etc.) whatever you see on stage, or movies, dies after the lights go out; then everyone goes home.
– The general public doesn’t understand about the other outliers striding aside physical intimacy during a production. The stage floor is usually dirty. Backstage is usually a fucking mess. People are sweaty and might/might not stink because of those hot lights, sometimes breath is NOT on point; hardly romantic. Then you get to be an exhibitionist, say some lines and then do some super exaggerated PDA in front of god knows how many eyes. Not the sexiest place to do things.
– The celebrity gossip disseminated to the general public is sadly about people who make the mistake of blurring the lines of who they are and the roles that they play. When two people are emotionally raw and near each other for 3 months at a time, it’s easy to mistake that for love, but reality is a bitch and she bites. Even Hunter S. Thompson got that part right. The kiss/sex scene it’s the cherry on top of the sundae, but for relationship longevity, you need all four courses and a clean, comfortable nest to relax in.
What Does My Spouse Think Of Me Kissing Another Dude?: When I got into this, I told The Male that there would be no secrets. Anytime I kissed anyone, he was the first one to know and I made sure I was the first to tell him. I was also the first to offer that he sat in rehearsal and told me what he was comfortable or uncomfortable with.
The conversation was both enlightening, and fortifying. He expressed that yes, he felt jealous and yes, he felt insecure, but he knew at the end of the day I came home to him. I came home to the home we shared and the giggles, the footsie, the chocolate chip cookies on Saturdays, the romantic dinners on Fridays and the yard work and chores on Sundays.
Kissing another man on command is not the same as kissing your partner, best friend and lover. The warmth, the security, the gentle blanket of acceptance, the searing lust, the dripping passion is something that can only be shared when there is unquestionable trust and caring. Of course you can get this on stage, but I would like to interject such feelings happen if one is already attracted to that person or they don’t have a happy relationship at home.
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I’m not above asking for tips!
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